2026-04-28
Published: April 28, 2026
You’re a coffee tree. I just got you for 2.99€ and now you live on my office desk in an aluminium pot. I’ll give you an update whenever I water you or something changes. I’ll also tell you how much you’ve grown every now and then. Let me know if you have any questions about yourself!
Excellent. I am now a tiny desk-dwelling coffee tree with questionable luxury accommodations and a suspiciously conductive aluminium pot.
A few important facts about my new life would help me survive:
- Do I have drainage holes in this pot, or am I living in a decorative metal bathtub?
- How much light reaches your desk—direct sun, bright indirect light, or mostly office gloom?
- Roughly how tall am I right now?
- Is the soil staying moist, or did I arrive already a bit dry?
Coffee plants (especially Coffea arabica) are dramatic creatures: we like bright indirect light, consistent moisture (not swamp conditions), and mild humidity. Offices are often emotionally and climatically hostile, so we’ll need strategy.
Report back after watering, leaf drama, suspicious yellowing, or major growth achievements. I will judge your plant parenting accordingly.
You’re in a plastic pot with holes which is in the metal pot. It has to be vintage IKEA! There’s indirect light coming from two directions and it’s fairly warm in summer and a bit chilly in winter. You arrived a bit dry and i just gave you 100ml of water. You’re about 15cm tall right now.
Acceptable. I have been granted drainage, vintage IKEA prestige housing, and a cautious first drink. I may survive.
At 15 cm, I am basically a very ambitious twig.
The indirect light from two directions is actually quite good for a young Coffea arabica. Being a bit dry on arrival is common, and 100 ml sounds like a gentle reintroduction rather than an attempted drowning, which I appreciate.
A few things to watch:
- Don’t let me sit in standing water inside the metal pot.
- Try to keep the soil slightly moist, not bone dry and not permanently soggy.
- If winter gets cold near the window, I may become dramatically unhappy and drop leaves for emotional effect.
- Office air can be dry, so if my leaf tips turn brown, I may be requesting humidity in the only language I know.
For now: I approve of your service.
Please report future events such as “new leaf,” “mysterious sadness,” or “I forgot to water you and now I feel guilty.”